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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Zahra's LiveJournal:

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Monday, September 8th, 2003
7:20 pm
Interesting Quote
"Faith makes things possible; it does not make them easy"
2:28 pm
Wow, again, it's been so long since I've updated this, the whole format has changed. I'm reaching my breaking point though, and this journal has always been here to help me through the tough times. This time it's not about love though. It's about not having job!!!! I don't even really want a job, but I have no money, and I need to start working or else I fear I will be unemployed forever. But what to do............I'm losing my motivation. I'm applying everywhere, calling up companies (well, I just started this today), and nothing. NO interviews, no phone calls, no nothing. And I think my resume is pretty decent, and I have good work experience. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong.
And I've forgotten the list of things that I would like to be doing. This working thing is consuming me.

Current Mood: bored
Saturday, March 15th, 2003
3:04 pm
Wow. It's been so long since I've written I don't remember how to do it. I don't know what's gotten into me today. I feel content about how everything is going but I feel like I need something. I just can't put my finger on it. The weather outside is soo nice though. I was feeeling good until I went outside actually. When I went outside it was so nice to be out that I got sad. Instead of appreciating the weather and the fact that spring is right around the corner, it triggered a different emotion. I have so many things to do and but I want to do something else, I'm not sure what though. I want to pull out a lawn chair and sit on my driveway. But I want the neighbours to do it too and we can just watch cars go by and then yell out comments to each other. Too bad I don't know my neighbours.
I'm going to play squash.

Current Mood: confused
Wednesday, January 8th, 2003
1:19 am
my biggest decision of the day was whether to walk through slush or around it in the snow. hahaaa, if only everyday would be this simple.
I am back at school. My last term. I can't believe it. It is all going to be over before I know it. I am happy cause there are soo many things I want to do and see and learn and just options for the future, but I am also sad because this school and place carries soo many memories for me. I spent a good chunk of my growing up in waterloo, but it's time to continue growing. I have started the job hunt. I am still confused about what I want to do so it's been difficult. I think I have narrowed it down to working with numbers, but then there is this awesome company that does control engineering and they work with building stuff to be used in space which is sooo cool!! So I think I will apply and see what happens.

Current Mood: content
Thursday, January 2nd, 2003
2:46 am
As much as I want to move out of my house after I find a job, coming home tonight has made me appreciate what I have here. There is a certain lonliness that only family can fulfill. As many friends that I may have around me, there is a certain point where being around people just doesn't do it for me. Just knowing that I have a mom, a dad and a brother here is comforting, even if majority of the time they piss the hell out of me.
I have been thinking about so many things these past few days. About myself and what I need, and where I want to be going. I was thinking about the saying that love is all you need. Is love really all we need? I mean when we have found person and they love us, will that be sufficient to get through things. I guess when I find that right person I will get my answer.
You know what I hate. I hate when I feel like I have to act less than what I am. I know it is probably all in my head, but I hate it when I feel like people look at me with envy. That is probably a very egotistical thing to say, but that's just how I feel.
Friday, December 27th, 2002
3:38 am
It's frustrating when you have found someone that you love and want to show them how much they mean to you but for certain reasons you can't. Life is too short for things to be this way.
Tuesday, December 17th, 2002
3:50 pm
Just when you think things couldn't get any better. I am finally done exams. This has been one of the worst exams periods ever!!! I was totally unfocused, and would have rather done fifty one million things other than study. I think I only liked one course out of the four I was studying. Todays was just a mockery. But it's over, and lets just hope I passed them all!
Sometimes people make me feel so special. Just random acts of kindess to let you know that people are thinking about you. The other day I got a post card from the kiwi's from when they were travelling in thailand, that totally touched my heart. And friends mailed me birthday cards. And today I got an email from this guy at work, it was soo sweet. And then I got another email from an old friend I ran into yesterday. Just random things that are making me smile.
Saturday, December 14th, 2002
8:12 pm
Layer One - Stats...

-- Name: Zahra
-- Birthdate: Nov. 21, 1978
--Current Location: Waterloo, ON
-- Eye Color: brown
-- Hair Color: mixture of brown, some mahogany, some light brown, just dye over dye
-- Height: 5ft5
-- Righty or Lefty: righty
-- Zodiac Sign: Scorpio - it's all about the passion..

Layer Two - Describe...
-- Your heritage: hmm, east african, is that a heritage...
-- The shoes you wore today: adidas
-- Your hair: layered, some parts straight, some parts wavy. Just wack..
-- Your eyes: big and brown
-- Your weakness: he's tall, dark hair, nice smile, kind, sexy
-- Your fears: not being happy
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: make clothes and see people wearing them

Layer Three - Tell...
-- Your most overused phrase on MSN: dude
-- Your thoughts first waking up: let the day begin
-- Your best physical feature: my teeth, they are soo white.
-- Your bedtime: depends on what needs to get done the next day
-- Your greatest accomplishment: making it this far in school without giving up
-- Your most missed memory: hmm, there are many. I miss my cousin Jamil and being silly with him. I miss the kiwis. I miss travelling and not knowing where I was going to be the next day. I miss falling asleep next to him knowing he will be there in the morning.

Layer Four - You prefer...
-- Pepsi or Coke: coke
-- McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald's
-- Adidas or Nike: Adidas, I love the three stripes
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: From the ice tea I do drink, it would have to be Nestea
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate milk, vanilla body spray
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Tim horton's french vanilla cappuccino

Layer Five - Do you...?
-- Smoke: nope, hate the smell
-- Sing well: I would like to think so! even if I don't, it doesn't stop me
-- Take a shower everyday: Most weeks. I had a theory where I wouldn't shower on sunday's, just to give the body a break from the hot water. I think I was just lazy..
-- Have a crush(es): Not right now. Just enjoying the time on my own. There are many people I enjoy spending time with....
-- Who are they:
-- Do you think you've been in love: deeply
-- Want to go to college: I'm in uni
-- Like high school: It seems like highschool was ions ago. Some really good memories. I really had no worries then...
-- Want to get married: Yup!
-- Type w/ your fingers on the right key? Yup!
-- Get motion sickness: I did once, the water was really bad and the boat did not feel safe. Other than that I usually enjoy restless waters
-- Think you're attractive: I would like to think I'm sexy, but lately I've been getting the "so cute..", guh
-- think you're a health freak: I have my stages. I love the gym, when I get the chance to go
-- Get along with your parents: Yup!
-- Like thunderstorms: if I'm not outside
-- Play an instrument: Used to play the piano and flute.

Layer Six - In the past, did/have you...
-- Go to the mall?: Yes, I think most people go to the mall at one time or the other
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: hyall no...not a big cookie fan
-- Eaten sushi: Yup! all kinds
-- Gone skinny dipping: hmmm, have I?? I really can't remember. I guess that could be a no, I would probably recall something if I ahd
-- Dyed your hair: regulary for the past 8 years
-- Stolen anything: yeah, a card from a convenience store when I was little. I wanted to piss of my babysitter

Layer Seven - Have you...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing?: yup
-- If so, was it mixed company: yup
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated?: Oh my, too many times it's not funny anymore
-- Been caught "doing something": oh yeah. those little rendez-vous in a parking lot and a cop comes and taps on the window
-- Been called a tease: I have. Not lately, I think I've lost my flirting ablities
-- Shoplifted: once
-- If so, did you get caught: my babysitter told my parents..
-- Age you hope to be married: hmmm, atleast by 28. but I think I will just go with the flow
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 4 kids, doesn't matter what they are
-- Descibe your Dream Wedding: lots of candles, lots of music, lots of laughter. All the gay stuff..
-- How do you want to die: quickly, but slow enough that I can replay everything I've been through until that point
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: I want to be big, status wise. I want to be confident admired, and be making a difference
-- What country would you most like to visit: all the hot places with beaches

Layer Nine - Opposite sex
-- Best eye color? light brown
-- Best hair color? dark brown, light brown, anything but blond
-- Short or long hair?: somewhat long (like to the base of the ear) and curly, awwww
-- Best height: tall
-- Best weight: some chubbs would be nice, not skinny, I like to squeeze something
-- Best articles of clothing: anything baby blue. I like sexy boxers

Layer Ten - Number of...
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: hmm, never thought about this one
-- Number of CDs that I own: about a hundred
-- Number of piercings: 2
-- Number of tattoos: 0
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? I think twice, once when I got my all-round cord and became a pathfinder (hahaha), and then once in highschool, I won a sewing competition
-- Number of scars on my body: lots. lots from when I was a kid and lots from misc surgeries
2:55 pm
Weakness
After so long, he is still my weakness. Frigg!!!
It's over, and done with. I just want to pick myself and forget about it, and just move on, and do things that I want to do. I generally do, and then something small will happen and I start digging myself a hole and I throw myself in. I need to make myself a rope so that when I throw myself in I can just pull myself out before I reach the bottom.
Wednesday, December 11th, 2002
1:33 am
I wonder where we keep our knowledge. Someone said something the other day about being able to one day transfer what we know onto our children. Wouldn't that mean that we somehow store knowledge in cells, or like encoded in something. I dunno. I have always viewed knowledge as something we already have and we are just uncovering it. Whenever I'm taught something I feel like it's something I already know, but really how could it be. Imagine being able to transfer every single thing we know onto our children. Maybe we could filter out the bad things, the things we know but really wish we didn't know. hmmm......
I can't believe this year is winding down. It has just flown by. I think this has been one of the most eventful years I have ever been thru. So many bad times and so many good times. I have totally screwed myself in school this term. Which sucks cause I should know how things work by now. But I have also enjoyed myself, and this term is going to be the one I remember along with my first term at school.
I don't know what I am going to do when I have to start working. It's so different from co-op. I wont get to leave after 4 months. You have to actually stay there, and your co-workers become your life basically. It is soo not appealing to me. I have to find a way to stay in school!! The funniest thing is that I always feel like I meet so many peoplee during exam time. All these new faces come out of nowhere.

Current Mood: contemplative
Monday, December 2nd, 2002
3:02 am
I want a guy to pick up my falling stars
What an eventful day....My brother graduated!! It was soo nice to hear his name being called out. It was soo nice to see all the proud parents. I liked that. The speeches were even good, my ass hurt like hell at the end of it, but it was all worth it.

Current Mood: amused
Sunday, November 24th, 2002
5:45 pm
I want more..
This past friday was amazing! My friends here had a surprise party for me, and even though I was told about it a couple of hours before it happened, it was so awesome! I was soo happy. And this group that I love, a local band called anxious blue, the singer came to the house where the surprise was and it was the bestest!! It wass sooo amazing, and he gave me a t-shirt, and some stickers, and the first cd which I didn't have, and then he sang for me one of the songs from the new album. Gosh, I felt like I was in heaven. It was more than I had ever expected, and turned out to be everything that I needed.

Current Mood: grateful
Friday, November 22nd, 2002
2:40 am
This one's for you my friend.
So another year, another birthday. This one will definately be one to remember. I spent it just the way I wanted, alone. I don't know what happened to me this year, there was no excitement, I didn't write "my birthday" underneath the date on any of the notes I took today, it was just a calm, ordinary day. Yes, I was supposed to be celebrating my existence, and the day that I was born, but I figure I do that everyday!
These past fews days have been pretty dreary. I don't know what has gotten into me. I do put a weight on myself. Sometimes I think it's just becuase I don't know how to appreciate happiness, I don't know how to feel happy for long periods of time. I think I make the problems for myself. I mean, I don't even know what is bothering me. I have a lot of ideas, but I don't think any of them are the real cause. I mean, he is right to some extent, a lot of it does revolve around him. I mean, I miss him. I miss his friendship, I miss having someone that I could totally, 100% feel comfortable around, that one person who I never felt was in competition with me. I still haven't found anyone like that, nor do I think I want to, that was his place in my life, and that will always remain his. The other thing is that it is soo hard for me to be around him, and it takes so much energy for me to stay away. It is really draining.
But, then there is school, and where am I going to be when I graduate. I still haven't found something that I truly love to do. I really think I should have gone into the fashion industry. Making clothes was always something that kept me entertained, and held my attention. But, I also felt that way about science when I first started that, and then math when I started that, and in the end, I don't really find myself anywhere.
One more thing. By not expecting anything for my birthday, I was able to really appreciate the small things. Like one of my close friends calling me from millions and millions of miles away, it was sooo good to hear her voice. The whole day I don't think I genuinely had a smile on my face and the moment I talked to her, it felt like everything was okay, and that I really am going to figure things out.

Current Mood: content
Tuesday, November 19th, 2002
12:54 am
I feel like I'm in a box
What do you do when you are stuck between a rock and a hard spot?

I am tired of pretending.......

Current Mood: blah
Thursday, November 14th, 2002
1:22 am
My Rhyme for today...
I loved
I lost
I cried
I waited
I gave up
I grew

I hate this school business!!! Jeez, I am trying to do this stupid project/lab thing, and it is just not going anywhere. I think I know what I am doing and then all of a sudden, I am like what the f...? anyway, it sucks ass. I am trying not to complain, but I'm stuck, and I'm hungry.
I think I'm going to go to bed, it's about time.......but I'm still so hungry.
Sometimes things happen, well, things always happen, but there is the rare case that you realize something has happened and it has happened for a reason. Like a wake-up call. I don't know what I'm blabbing about, I am way to hungry.
Monday, October 28th, 2002
12:26 am
I want the madness to end!!!!
Okay, seriously. Enough is enough. I am really overloaded now. I just can't deal with all the stuff I have to get done by the end of the week. I am really glad we have this extra hour though. It's saturday night, I am supposed to be out with my friends, hanging out, but no, I am sitting here, at my desk, just pounding away at the mountain of things that need to get finished.........ahhhhhhhhh
Friday, October 11th, 2002
9:16 pm
Days like this..
This week is just never ending. I can't seem to quite get on top of things, there is always something new coming up and I think that I am going to crack. Those two weeks of doing no school work is really hurting me. I am playing the catch up game now. And it is not fun this term....
I have to say though, that I am very happy. I am so content with where I am right now, even if I don't know what the future holds. And I am soo happy that I am single. And I genuinely mean it. It feels so good to not be thinking about someone and how things can get better always trying to stratergize about how to act and be and when to act and be. I am just being. Just being me.
Everyone seems very focus in school now. Hitting the library and just studying. I think it is more of a socialize ting. I realized that I can never just get into something. I need people and I will always put people before work. I just think that in the end it's people that will matter and will be there until the end, where will work be. It will be done and gone and the work probably wont even remember that you spent so much time slaving over it. People on the other hand have a funny way of remembering the little things. Maybe I am doing things the wrong way though. It seems like everyone else has schools as their number one priority, maybe I need to do a re-evalutation...

Current Mood: hyper
Sunday, October 6th, 2002
12:43 am
Still waiting for that moment...
I am still waiting for that moment when I realize what the hell everything is supposed to mean. I mean what the hell am I doing all of this for. Am I running away from something, am I running away from life, from growing up. Am I running away from the next stage becuase I am scared that when I get there it wont be the way it's supposed to be. The way I have always pictured things to happen. That's the problem with hoping things would happen. It's all about the expectations. Expectations ruin everything. I hate expecting things, yet I never seem to be able to run away from that.
I wish my life was like an indian movie. YOu have the one tragedy, but then in the end it all works out. Everyone is happy, and everyone is with the one they love. I am so tired of this love shit. And relationship shit. Give me a break already!!!

Current Mood: cynical
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2002
3:59 pm
So many time zones apart....
Dude!!!! Why is it that people that I get along with so well are soo far away from me!!! And that I may never see them again!!! Well, I would like to think that I will, but it is so not fun to know that I am not with them right now, and just chilling with them. Some good days back in Singapore. Days of doing nothing, and as soon as I was done class I could always just go to them and hang out there. I love those boys.

Current Mood: sad
Wednesday, September 25th, 2002
1:17 am
Good Day!
Today was an overall good day. Spirits were high, things feel into place somewhat, didn't get so much traffic going to hamilton, got some good reception on the radio, the teacher was wearing some really neat shoes and I wanted to jump him becuase he has the best hair. It is all curly and just flops on his head. I think he is somewhat hairy though, but he is still hot none the less. He was making fun of math, and then he was like, are there any mathmaticians in the class, and I put up my hand, and then laughed. After I walked out of the class I was thinking to myself, "damn, I am a mathmatician!" It feels so weird, cause I have never really considered myself a mathy. But I am, heheh, and I love it!

Current Mood: crazy
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